Take the photo
“Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I'm too spooky,’ or, ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.’ But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’ And make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and, tragically, they won't be there.” - Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, S02,E09
I snapped this quick selfie a couple weeks ago. I didn’t take multiple shots, I didn’t quite care how it was framed. I was spending a few short hours on the beach in Hawaii with a shaved ice before starting a half-week of conference sessions for work and I wanted to share the moment with my new boyfriend back in CA. I didn’t scrutinize the photo, I couldn’t even see it in the bright sun, I just sent it over.
I looked at it more closely once I got back to the hotel and I was shocked by how beautiful I looked. Not just because I’ve been working so hard to take care of my body for the past year (lost 20 pounds, gained a bunch of muscle, and lost 3% body fat), but mostly because I think I do have much kinder eyes towards myself.
The first time I saw that episode, I cried so hard. It’s such a funny premise and dialogue yet so touching at the same time. It felt silly, but I think most women have had this experience — looking back at old photos and feeling that sense of regret of not appreciating themselves at the time. My parents recently digitized a bunch of old photos and there are a few pictures of me as a teenager in a bikini. It was around 2001 and as a society, we hadn’t quite gotten past the heroin chic aesthetic; unrealistic fat-shaming was rampant on magazine covers and there were plenty of pro-ana and hot-or-not websites for young girls to scroll through (that of course our parents had no idea about). I remember at the time absolutely hating my body. I felt so absolutely fat and ugly.
That feeling persisted throughout college and I wish I wish I wish I could go back and shake myself to wake up and appreciate the perfect body I had. It was only in my late twenties when I started belly dancing that it dawned on me that I had never actually been a fat teenager; I just have a different body type. I couldn’t fit into a size 2, not because I ate too much, but because my bone structure literally would not allow for that.
Life is just so precious and I won’t spend any more time on earth regretting the body I was born into. My body is strong and capable of great things. I want to take care of it so it can continue to carry me for the rest of my journey here. With Catherine O’Hara’s death last week and my own surprising reaction to this not-exactly-naked photo, it just felt like I had to submit it to the Internet and share a few feels.